I feel stupid. All this time I’ve been going to movies to be entertained, and it turns out that, all along, movies have really been about subtle political metaphor. I guess it’s no surprise that something like the Manchurian Candidate remake would have those undertones… but did you know that even The Day After Tomorrow had heavy symbolism? Call me crazy, but I’d have thought that finding texture or meaning in a Roland Emmerich film was about as likely as finding prime rib in a pop-tart. But what the hell do I know? Turns out that even The Village and Spiderman 2 are full of political import. It all went over my head.

So I’ve decided to re-examine some of the movies we saw this summer, and as it turns out, most of them were deeply political and profoundly meaningful. I’ve followed the lead of journalists and film critics everywhere and adopted the liberal agenda while analyzing these films… you might be surprised at what I now realize was there:

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
In the character of Napoleon Dynamite, director Jared Hess does something for Democratic candidate John Kerry that his campaign hasn’t yet been able to do: It personifies him. The movie’s title character is an obvious symbol for Kerry, and his dedication to women and minorities is represented by his friends, Deb and Pedro. Napoleon’s internet obsessed brother Kip represents Kerry’s vision of the future, in that he is exactly like Napoleon, only older. And, Kip’s black girlfriend LaFawnduh represents Kerry’s dedication to women and minorities, but other women and minorities than those represented by Deb and Pedro. Throughout the movie, Napoleon (Kerry) is plagued by stupid, evil, machocentric jocks and bullies, who obviously represent the Republican Party. He and his friends are also taunted by the teenage cheerleader hotness of the Haylie Duff character, who is an obvious symbol for teenage cheerleader hotness. But in the end, Napoleon triumphs, at a school assembly (see: the Democratic National Convention) where he wins over his party by performing a pointless and repetitive dance. Badly. Rating: Two left thumbs up.

DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY
Never before has the struggle of the American military been better portrayed, symbolically, than it is in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Vince Vaughn and his rag-tag Average Joe’s gym are a clear picture of the military, and the corporate gym complex trying to buy them out clearly represents Halliburton, or possibly Enron, Exxon, or some other evil corporate empire. With his foul mouth, ego, bad hair and greed, Ben Stiller’s villainous character is unmistakably Dick Cheney. Stiller/Cheney’s greed forces the brave warriors of Average Joe’s into a Dodgeball competition (the war in Iraq). Along the way they face many violent, strange, and oddly dressed foes. The most heartbreaking scene in the film comes when the team finds themselves costumed in S and M gear, a clear reference to Abu Ghraib. But remember, the individual team members must not be held accountable for their actions… ultimately, it is Halliburton/Stiller/Chenny/GloboGym/Exxon that is to blame. If you emotionally withstand that scene, brace yourself for an even more most heartbreaking scene as Steve the Pirate, in a protest symbolic of symbolic protests, cuts his hair and puts on a clean shirt. Rating: Five stars out of a possible Five Star General.

SHREK 2
The world of Hollywood has never been presented better than it is as the Kingdom of Far Far Away in Shrek 2… and what better picture of George W. Bush than the title ogre, awkward, clumsy, and lost in a Movie-Star kingdom of fairies, pixies and sprites. And all of them understand what’s going on sooooooo much better than he does. It’s unclear which creatures represent Michael Moore, Martin Sheen, Sheryl Crow, and Dustin Hoffman in particular… but it doesn’t matter since they all share the same correct anti-war stance. As he wonders through this magic Hollywood kingdom, Shrek (Bush) has only two friends: A braying jackass named Donkey (try and look at him and not see Ashcroft) and a vicious assassin who’s name is Puss in Boots (or, should I say, Condoleezza Rice in Boots, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more). The central conflict of the movie comes when Shrek (Bush) tries to become pretty, and a viewer expects to see him end up walking around dressed in a flight suit, carrying a plastic turkey. By the end, the ogre decides to be himself and do what’s right, even if that means never being pretty or popular. In an ironic twist, this makes everyone happy! Talk about an f’in fairy tale! Rating: Two stars, three purple hearts, two yellow moons, a green clover, and a blue diamond. (The film is, after all, magically delicious.)

I feel so much more enlightened now that I know to look for political metaphor in every movie I watch. But I must admit that this kind of in-depth analysis is mentally draining. I think the next film we see will have to be a goofy, implausable, fictious comedy, like “White Chicks” or “Fahrenheit 9/11.”