It’s come to my attention that there are those among us who don’t know anything about coffee. Therefore, I’ve decided to clear a few things up. You may not be aware of this, but I am the world’s leading expert on coffee. In fact, if I were an X-Man, my mutant power would be making a darn good cup of coffee. I consider it my duty to pass on some of what I know, so that maybe the world will become a better place. I hope this primer will be of some help:

HOW TO BREW COFFEE:
There is only one way to brew coffee, and that is with a French Press. I recommend this one. A French press is a device that allows coffee to steep, like tea, so that the essences and oils of the bean are actually in the brew, rather than thrown out with the grounds. An autodrip coffee maker is not, I repeat, NOT, an acceptable way to brew coffee. Autodrip coffee makers were designed by Nazis. They are pointless and unchristian. All of them must be destroyed.

A French Press is sometimes called a Turkish press. They are called Turkish by those of us who love them but can’t bear to say anything good, even remotely, about the French.

Grind your beans and put them in the bottom of the press, and then pour the hot (nearly boiling) water over the ground beans so that it all mixes together.

Lightly stir the beans with a wooden spoon or a chopstick, never with a metal utensil. Metal utensil’s are Kryptonite to coffee. Avoid them at all costs. To be safe, I advise allowing no metal utensils in your home. This will mean that you’ll have to eat with your hands. This is often inconvenient when you serve mashed potatoes for dinner, but it’s preferable to the risk that someone might stir coffee with silverware.

After you stir the coffee, cover the press with the top and leave it alone for three or four minutes. Allow the beans and the brew to steep. Then, slowly and evenly press the plunger to the bottom. Your coffee is now ready to enjoy.

HOW TO GRIND COFFEE:
When brewing coffee with a French (read: Turkish) press, the grind is very important. You must not overgrind your beans. They must be ground coarsely, not pulverized into powder the way they usually are for one of those evil Nazi autodrip coffee makers. A coarse grind, with a few big bean chunks is preferable.

Any coffee grinder will probably work fine. I use one of the cheap $12 Black and Decker ones sold at Wal-Mart. You don’t have to drop a bundle on the grinder, although if you use it frequently enough, you may have to replace it now and then. It’s a small price to pay.

WHEN TO DRINK YOUR COFFEE:
Well, while it’s hot. Don’t let it get cold. Coffee is best drank within half an hour of brewing.

WHAT TO FLAVOR YOUR COFFEE WITH:
Nothing! People who put stuff in coffee (milk, creamer, sugar, maple syrup, ham, etc) are charlatans and frauds, and should be beaten with a broom. Coffee brewed with a French (Turkish) press is delicious, and requires no diluting or tampering. What’s the point in brewing coffee, only to taint it with all that junk? If you want a cup of coffee, drink a cup of coffee. If you want milk and sugar, have a milkshake.

WHERE TO BUY YOUR COFFEE:
The finest coffee shop in the world is the Lexington Coffee Shop in Lexington, Virginia. I am qualified to make that statement because of the following exhaustive research: I buy my beans from two different coffee shops (that one and Mill Mountain Coffee in Roanoke) and the Lexington coffee is better. I suggest that you stop at the coffee shop whenever you are in Lexington and pick up your coffee then. If you never find yourself in Lexington, Virginia, then I suggest moving to Lexington, Virginia.

Keep in mind that all coffee shops (even the one in Lexington) are often frequented by stinky hippy scum. They sit there and drink their lattes and congratulate each other on how cool they are. The best thing to do is pretend they aren’t there. Get in, get your beans, get out. Try to breathe through your mouth so you won’t smell them, and for pity’s sake, no eye contact.

WHAT KIND OF COFFEE TO BUY:
The Lexington Coffee Shop has an excellent Itallian Roast that I enjoy quite a bit. There are also a number of “flavored” coffee beans available (Macadamia, Chocolate, Vanilla, etc) that you may find yourself purchasing now and then if you have a wife. In fact, my wife recommends the Chocolate Raspberry from Mill Mountain Coffee as a personal favorite. (It’s OK, although a bit fruffy for my taste.)

Alright, I hope that clears a few things up. If you have further questions, feel free to e-mail me and I’ll try to steer you in the right direction. Just remember these basics, and you’ll be fine:

Autodrip coffee maker = Nazi coffee maker.
French press = gift from God.
People who put stuff in their coffee = beat with broom.
Best coffee in the world = Lexington Coffee Shop.

Happy slurping!