Sunday, June 26, 2005
Ooops, I Did It Again
The other day, I posted this picture:
I followed it with some snide but, I thought, fairly funny comments about the guy and his tattoos. I thought it was one of the most innocuous posts I’d ever put up at this blog. It never occurred to me that I’d be offending every reactionary on the internet. I have a couple of tattoos myself, so the it's not that I'm opposed to tattoos... I just think that the guy pictured above looks pretty darn goofy.
The comments section at the original post is full of heated exchanges between me and other bloggers about the picture and my opinions. One other blogger, Meepers, (who’s blog I enjoy, by the way, even though I think she’s wrong about damn near everything) even posted an entire entry about the topic. Comments here and there as well indicate that just about everyone thinks I’m a closed-minded gargoyle with the rocks in my head.
I guess offending people comes naturally to me. Nonetheless, I refuse to go the mea culpa route. I won’t back down. I think the guy looks like a freak. He probably wants people like me to think he looks like a freak. Big freakin’ deal.
I’ve decided that, from now on, if I’m going to offend people, it will be intentionally.
Kitten Stomping: I’m For It.
The subject of kitten stomping doesn’t get near as much attention as it should these days. It seems that many people just aren’t willing to touch such a hot-button issue. Just about everyone has opinions about the issue, but there aren’t many people with the backbone to make their opinions public. I’m not one of those people. I’m in favor of stomping kittens.
Look at these faces:
They’re so cute. So innocent. So adorable. I think that the only rational reaction that a God-fearing, patriotic American can have to them is to want to stomp on them.
If you’re opposed to stomping on kittens, you are a communist. If you’re opposed to stomping on kittens, you’re a Satan-worshiping, crack-smoking, flag-burning homo. If you don’t find great satisfaction in stomping on kittens, you are a coward, a liar, a jay-walker, and a mentally-retarded, tattooed, whore-mongering chronic masturbator who’s parents were never married.
The best boots to wear for stomping on kittens are the ones below:
Doc Martins: They hold up well, they’re rain proof, and they are steel toed. That is important, because kittens can scratch through regular boot toes and leave ugly scars.
Black combat boots: Kitten gore washes away with little effort.
Jackboots: If there is one boot made for oppression, this is the one. Kittens cower in fear when I put mine on.
Woodsman boots: Sturdy, rugged, and heavy-treaded. Great for recreational kitten stomping, but strong enough for the professional kitten stomper as well.
Kitten stomping is a a proud American tradition and a way of life. It can be traced back to the early 1300’s, when Christopher Columbus flew to America in the Space Shuttle and began the noble traditions of keeping down minorities, destroying the environment, forbidding gays to marry, and immunizing little babies against their will. Plus, kitten corpses can be recycled into oil byproducts for the benefit of Exxon and Coca Cola, so it is the right thing to do.
Kitten stomping: I’m for it. Who’s with me?
I really hadn't thought a lot about it, I didn't expect to spend the rest of my life on this topic... off the top of my head, I'll say that a freak in this context is someone who defines themself by what they are not rather than by what they are. Someone who is more concerned with making sure that they don't fit into the mainstream than in figuring out where they actually do fit in.
Or, something like that.
Freak is a subjective concept, I guess. What strikes me as odd might not seem odd to you. Which is fine... but it seems that we live in a culture where anyone who considers anyone else freaky for any reasons is branded closed minded, ignorant, whatever. I just don't buy it.
Thanks for your comments, by the way. I'm glad you think the post was funny... but I mean it, anyone who doesn't stomp on kittens is a litterbug, a sadist, a Democrat and a homophobe. ;)
Your words intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your organization and/or newsletter. Though I consider myself a "cat person", you've made some valid points a la Jonathan Swift. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put on a pair of boots and find a certain little black and white furry smart@$$....
Facetiously,
your pal,
MCF
I thought I had read on yours' or Wendy's blog that you both had tattoos, which is why I found this debate between you, Meepers, et al to be quite amusing and a little odd.
I agree that if I saw a guy with childhood cartoons tattooed to his body walking down the street, for the little time I actually thought about him, I would think he was a freak. And then I would whip out my Darrell-approved boots and stomp on him.
As for "freak" -- This old guy is sitting on a park bench staring at a kid with bright red hair, golden noserings, and wearing an electric blue t-shirt.
"Whatsamatter, old man, weren't you ever cool?"
"Sorry, junior, I was just remembering the time I f*cked a parrot and thinking you might be my son."
I'm flattered, thank you for "getting it."
Kelly: I thought I had read on yours' or Wendy's blog that you both had tattoos, which is why I found this debate between you, Meepers, et al to be quite amusing and a little odd.
Yeah, the "debate," such as it was, was pretty pointless. I'm not proud of the ranting and raving and swearing I degenerated to; I do have buttons that, once pushed, result in an unacceptable me. I allowed a failed actor wannabe to push me over the edge with his namecalling and stereotypical anti-Christian, anti-Conservative tripe. It's my fault, though. I'm responsible for my behavior. The worst of it took place at Meepers blog, and for that, I'm sorry... but I have this thing that keeps me from backing down when attacked. It's called a backbone.
then I would whip out my Darrell-approved boots and stomp on him.
LOL. Hey, he had it comin'. ;)
Salt: cat stomping is the "cat" in Catholic. Goes back to Inquisition times.
LOL, yeah, the secret is out.
Horseshit originally flung by you, coming back your way. Go figure.
Oh, you female liberals are all the same. I bet you're a horrible driver, too. Go bake something. ;)
For whatever it might be worth to you, I am sorry for the nastiest of the things I've said recently. You didn't deserve any of that. You've taken the high-road here, and I should be man enough to follow your example. I'll post this as a comment at my blog, too, because I do owe you a public apology. I should be able to disagree with you without turning into a spitting llama.
Fluffy little bunny rabbits are groovy with me.
I still enjoy your blog and think you're a hell of a good writer, and I'll continue linking to your blog.
Darrell
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