I went to see my surgeon today for a post-surgery check-up. He told me that I'm recovering well, based on the fact that I feel pretty good. Well, duh. Unfortunately, he also told me that the piece of herniated disc he removed from my spine was pretty big, about as big as his thumb, and that it would be a good while longer before it's safe for me to return to work.

I'm really getting bored sitting around the house, watching the paychecks not come in.

Since I had a couple of hours in the car today to listen to the news on the radio... and another sixty or ninety minutes of waiting time at the doctor's office to read newspapers and Time magazine, I'd say that I'm pretty up to date on what's going on in the world around me at the moment. Basically, everything sucks. That's as simply as I can put it.

I've been afraid for some time now that it would come to this, and, unfortunately, it has. Everything in the whole world is so messed up right now that I feel that I have no choice but to declare myself in charge of the entire world from now on. As of now, and until such time as I feel that it is safe to return to previous practices, I will be taking control of the entire world. From now on, all of you are to consult with me before making any decisions, taking any actions, or having any thoughts. That goes double for government officials, television programmers, and anyone associated with the recording of popular music.

Trust me. It is for your own good.

Now that I am in control, I think the best thing to do is to issue a few new laws. These new laws are all mandatory, nonnegotiable, unilateral, universal, and unisex. Don't think they don't apply to you. They do.

Here are Darrell's new laws, all of which must be obeyed by all of you until further notice.

NEW LAW NUMBER ONE
Hurricanes are now illegal. Anyone caught trying to incite a hurricane will be suspended without pay for a period not to exceed three months. Anyone aiding or abetting an already-existing hurricane will likewise be suspended without pay and punched directly in the nose by a drunken Dallas Cowboys fan.

NEW LAW NUMBER TWO
Anyone caught looting during a hurricane will be beaten with a rake for my amusement. Since I am not amused by the sight of a person being beaten with a rake, this might take a particularly long time. Nonetheless, the beating will continue until I find it funny.

NEW LAW NUMBER THREE
Any $#!%-head liberal columnist who writes a column blaming a Hurricane on George W. Bush will be handcuffed to Pat Robertson for a period of no less than three months.

NEW LAW NUMBER FOUR
People who show up at the funerals of slain war heroes to stage protests will be repeatedly kicked in the groin for a period of no less than three months.

NEW LAW NUMBER FIVE
The following awful songs will never again be played on the radio:

• "Roll To Me" by Del Amitri


• "Country Grammar" by Nelly


• "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefani


• "This Love" by Maroon 5


• "American Idiot" by Green Day

And, all songs by Good Charlotte, 50 Cent, Ja Rule, and any Aerosmith song recorded after 1982.

NEW LAW NUMBER SIX
The following very good songs will never again be played on the radio, simply because I'm so sick of hearing them that I could puke:

• "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd


• "Stairway To Heaven" by Led Zeppelin


• "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix


• "Who Are You" by The Who


• "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

All songs recorded by Aerosmith prior to 1982

NEW LAW NUMBER SEVEN
Any store, commercial website, or catalogue business promoting Christmas shopping in August will be required to reduce the price of each item of merchandise they sell to $1.25 for a period of no less than three months but not to exceed six billion years.

NEW LAW NUMBER EIGHT
Gasoline will cost $0.55 a gallon, the way the Good Lord intended it.

NEW LAW NUMBER NINE
Scientists will be required to find a way to make gasoline out of old Aerosmith CDs.


NEW LAW NUMBER TEN
The members of PETA will be required to eat no less than three hamburgers a day while wearing mink coats, leather shoes, and big fur-covered pimp-hats with peacock feathers in the bands.


NEW LAW NUMBER ELEVEN
Before PETA will be allowed to organize any campaign wherein celebrities disrobe to promote animal rights, I will be presented with the list of celebrities and I will have the right to strike names from the list and make substitutions.

NEW LAW NUMBER TWELVE
Any member of PETA caught encouraging Tommy Lee to disrobe for an advertising campaign will be forced to tour with Motley Crue for a period of no less than seventy years. They will also be required to share a restroom with the band. Furthermore, said members of PETA will be required to come out on stage with the band every night and dance the hokey pokey while the band plays "Smoking In the Boys Room."

NEW LAW NUMBER THIRTEEN
Anyone convicted of killing puppies will be doused in bar-b-que sauce and placed in front of Michael Moore.

NEW LAW NUMBER FOURTEEN
People like Cindy Sheehan, Michael Moore, and Jeneane Garafalolollolo will no longer be referred to as "anti-war." From now on, they will be referred to, much more correctly, as "pro-terrorist".

NEW LAW NUMBER FOURTEEN
Reporters, political cartoonists, interviewers and columnists seem to have had a secret meeting and decided to use the word "turd" without reservation from now on (example one, example two, example three, example four... you might have to use the "find" feature, but trust me, the turds are there.) Therefore, they are now required to work the word "turd" into every article, every opinion piece, every weather forecast, and every sports report they publish. Furthermore, the Los Angeles Times is required to immediately change it's name to the Los Angeles Turd. The Washington Post will be known from now on as The Washington Turd. And, The New York Times will be known as The Turd New Turd Turd.


NEW LAW NUMBER SIXTEEN
The number "fifteen" will be replaced with an additional number "fourteen" from now on. This is not simply to cover for the fact that I screwed up and put two "fourteens" on this list. It is a deeply personal matter and I am not willing to discuss it further. Return to your homes. there is nothing more to see here.