I started to post this at film geeks... but it's more of a political thing; one of my outbursts. So I posted it here, instead.

I read this in the paper the other day and just about launched out of my chair:

Western fans can rejoice once more. A tale of cowboys on the range is back in the saddle as lead contender for Academy Awards nominations...

Of course, Brokeback Mountain is not your father's Western, not John Wayne riding through all those John Ford epics, not even Clint Eastwood striding with anti-hero bloodlust in Unforgiven.

Set in more contemporary times, Brokeback Mountain is the story of two men who have a romantic fling as young sheepherders, then find their summer of love blossoming into a lifelong passion they conceal from their wives.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, buckaroo. Let's back on up here a second, alrighty?

First of all, regardless of it's merits (or lack thereof) as a movie, Brokeback Mountain is NOT a Western. It's nothing LIKE a Western. If Brokeback Mountain is a Western, then I'm Mary, Queen of Scots.

Just because the movie is set in a mountainous area and involves (I'm told) ranching and livestock and guys in cowboy hats who ride horses (among other things), that's no indication that the movie is a Western.

There are a few criteria for a movie to qualify as a Western, and Brokeback Mountain doesn't meet those criteria. As a fan of Westerns, I feel qualified to make the distinction. My favorite movie of all time is Unforgiven, and I've written a 10,000 page essay about it. I've seen more John Wayne movies and Clint Eastwood movies and Sam Peckinpah movies than I can shake a stick at. And, I enjoyed 'em. I enjoyed 'em quite a bit, and I enjoy watching them again when I get the chance. I can clear this up. I'm qualified for this job.

First of all, for a movie to be a Western, it must NOT tell the story of a man getting in touch with his feminine side. It must ABSOLUTELY NOT involve a man getting in touch with ANOTHER MAN'S feminine side... and it must ABSO-DAMN-LUTELY NOT tell the story of a man getting in touch with another man's backside. This is basic. Fundamental. There is no breaking this rule.

So, you see, right off the bat, Brokeback Mountain is not a Western.

Westerns aren't sensitive movies. They're not about sexual uncertainty, vulnerability, unexplored urges, or the sudden desire to rip Billy Bob's chaps off and plow the back forty, if you know what I mean.

Westerns aren't movies that make delicate affirmations.

Westerns aren't movies that open viewers up to consider alternative intimacies.
Westerns are movies about gritty, dirty people who smell bad and drink a lot and ride horses and occasionally end card-games by shooting one another.

Westerns are loud. Westerns are patriotic. Westerns are simple. Westerns are movies that make you want to play a harmonica, eat beans, brand cattle and protect Miss Susie's ranch from that damned double-crossing banker and his hired guns.

Nobody in a Western is allowed to ever tell another man that he's "never felt this way before." Ever. About anything. Nobody in a Western ever feels anything for the first time, and if he does, he gets drunk and shoots an extra.

There's been a lot of confusion about the idea of "gay cowboys" since Brokeback Mountain was released. Just for the sake of lucidity on this issue, here's a few visual aids that durn-well ought to clear things up:

GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
100% GAY.....0% COWBOY

The picture above is a "gay cowboy," according to the internet. This is one of the images that comes up if you go to Google Image Search and type in "gay cowboy." I DO NOT recommend doing that.

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GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
70% GAY.....30% COWBOY

The guys above are Heath Ledger and Donnie Darko, the stars of Brokeback Mountain. I doubt that they're entirely gay... but I have had my doubts about Ledger ever since he broke up with Naomi Watts. No heterosexual male would break up with Naomi Watts.

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GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
0% GAY.....100% COWBOY

This is a real cowboy. This guy started chewing tobacco in the bassinet. His bassinet was a hog trough. He once shot a man in Reno just to infringe on Johnny Cash's copyright. This guy is 100% straight. He doesn't know that homosexuality exists. He also doesn't know that toilet-paper exists.

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GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
???% GAY.....???% COWBOY

This is John Travolta. I have no desire to hear from his lawyer.

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GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
60% GAY.....40% COWBOY

This is country-and-western singer Kenny Chesney. He's a hard one to pin down. He sings songs about women, so he didn't strike me as gay when I heard his music. But his music is awful. And the first time I saw a picture of him... I mean, look at the guy. He looks like he's ready to cuddle up with the guy in the first picture. Then, he got married to Renee Zellweger and I thought, that seals it. He's definitely gay. Because Renee Zellweger looks like an undernourished Hungarian boy, right? Then, he got divorced from Renee Zellweger, so I got even more confused. Then I found out that he has an album called All I Want For Christmas Is A Real Good Tan, and I thought, yep, gay. Gay for sure.

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GAY / COWBOY RATIO:
10% GAY.....90% COWBOY

This is Clint Eastwood. Eastwood is my hero, so it pains me to admit that I have a reason to believe that he's ten percent gay.

I hope it's clear that my intention here is not to knock Brokeback Mountain. The movie is getting it's share of heat, and I'll admit to having made fun of it in an around the water cooler environment. Nonetheless, I haven't seen the movie, so I can't condemn it. My wife saw it and she loved it. That's fine. Nonetheless, I'm not interested in the subject matter. Besides, I think that Heath Ledger's acting skills are such that, if you pushed him off a cliff, he couldn't "act" like he was falling. I don't plan to see the film, but I'm willing to concede that, as likely as not, it's "cinematically correct."

That's all well and good.

But it ain't no Western.