I guess it's better to hand your test in late than not at all.

1) From any television show past or present, which character would you wish to have as a sidekick in real life? Valid answers include but are not limited to talking vehicles, intelligent animals, ghosts, sassy maids and more.


After a lot of thought, I've decided that I'd like to have Nicole Ritchie as my sidekick. She was great (I assume) as Paris Hilton's sidekick on "Supermodel Reality Show Thing" (I don't remember what it was called), and I think she'd be a great real-life sidekick. She could do things like:

• Call me "girlfriend."


• Carry my dogs around for me. Of course, I have a Brittany (example) and a Basset Hound (example), so they'd not be as easy to tote around as a couple of rat crackhead dogs are. (Chihuahuas, I think they're called?) Nicole would have to beef up a bit. It would do her good. At this point, I'm certain that the Brittany weighs more than Nicole. Until Nicole is physically able to actually carry the dogs I'd allow her to pull them behind us in a red wagon.


• Talk on her cellphone with people I don't like while we shop for $700 bras.


• When I'm suffering the embarrassment of having one of my long-forgotten, coked-out sex tapes turn up on the internet, Nicole could create a distraction for me by overdosing or falling over from hunger. That would keep the press off my back.

So, as you can see, Nicole would be the ultimate sidekick. Watch for us in a high-priced lingerie store near you. I'll be the fat white guy. Nicole will be the drugged skeleton pulling the dogs in the wagon.


2) "Guns n' Roses" might be releasing a new album this year: If you could hear a new CD from a band that's no longer together, possibly with deceased members, what band would that be?


I suppose the band would be Toad the Wet Sprocket. As far as the deceased members are concerned, I guess we could kill the guitar player. I've never thought he was that good. He'd probably object, but hey… that's the price you pay for being a rock star.


3) What's the worst thing a person could ask you on a job interview, and how would you respond?


A number of questions come to mind:


"Will you please lower your voice?"


"Will you please put your pants back on?"


"Where did you get that gun?"


"Will you kindly watch your language?"


"Do you have a lawyer or would you like to have one appointed for you?"


4) What do you consider your greatest weakness, and greatest strength?


I suppose my greatest weakness is my uncontrollable tendency to mock and degrade everything. That's also my greatest strength.


5) Who is your favorite game show host and why? If you don't watch game shows, you can skip this question or choose some random individual you’d enjoy as a host.


I don't really have a favorite game show host, so I did a Google image search and found this odd picture. Therefore, by default, my favorite game show hosts are these two intense, odd looking gentlemen in the picture.