When did VH1 become the list show network? Everything they do these days is a list show. Pop Music's Twenty Greatest Divas. The Thirty Most Rockin' Moments of Television History. Forty Celebrity Couple Break-Ups That Rocked Your World.

Whatever.

May, the month that just ended, was Metal Month on VH1. Now that people in my age group are officially old farts, VH1 is trying to cash in on us. We grew up with metal, we still love metal, and VH1 realizes that the people out there with the expendable income... in other words, the people that McDonnalds and Ford want their commercials shown to... aren't driving around in Studebakers listening to Mel Torme and Peggy Lee. Nope. We're driving around in minivans listening to bands like The Scorpions and Van Halen. We're buying onesies for our babies like the one to the right.

So welcome, my fellow mid-to-late-30s headbanging brothers and sisters, to what people in marketing refer to as the Age Targeted Demographic. We are now the people who buy the cars, the televisions, and the laundry detergent. We're the ones who stop and pick up the Happy Meals, and we're the ones who decide what breakfast cereal our little curtain-climbers will be eating each morning. WE are the ones that the marketers want. Therefore, WE are the ones the programmers are trying to please.

You know what that means? HA HA HA HA HA! It means that at last... at long last.... we have realized our goal! We have conquered the world! Yes, my fellow Headbangers, the dream has come true! WE HAVE THE POWER!!

And, therefore, VH1 has had an epiphany... an epiphany in the form of an advertising angel with long hair and a flying-v guitar.

So VH1 presented their current list show the other night, the Forty Greatest Metal Songs Of All Time. Being an unrepentant headbanger who spends much of my time hauling my kids around in our minivan while listening to Metallica, I actually sat down and watched the stupid show. Some of the songs they listed were songs I love, so I was happy to see them on the list. Some of the songs were songs I hate, so I had my obligatory Oh-Ya-Gotta-Be-Kiddin'-Me moments. The song that they named the greatest metal song ever is a song I am so sick of and have come to hate so much that I can no longer be objective about it.

Look, I worked in radio for eight years. There are songs that I have simply because I've heard them over and over and over and over and over and over again. I can't be objective about them anymore. I never want to hear Sweet Home Alabama again. I never want to hear Foxy Lady again. I never want to hear Stairway to Heaven again. And I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EVER want to hear Paranoid again.

Anyway, having sat through the whole stupid show, listening to people like the singer from Papa Roach and some comedian I've never heard of and some porn star (really) spout off about Heavy Metal, I decided to do a little spouting myself.

Therefore, SouthCon is proud to present

The Final, Absolute, Authorized List Of The
Ten Greatest Metal Vocalists Ever

10: Bruce Dickinson
I've written about Iron Maiden before... about how they were the first metal band that actually got me to pay attention to lyrics. Unlike all the other bands out there who were singing about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, Maiden were writing and recording songs about history, epic English poetry, science fiction... you know, stuff a 14 year old kid is interested in. Well, the stuff besides the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Bruce Dickinson was Maiden's second lead singer and partly responsible for their breakthrough success after their first two albums with another vocalist. Dickinson had a vocal style that became sort of a template for about a thousand bands that followed Maiden. First of all, you had to be able to actually sing. Just screaming wasn't good enough. Secondly, now that you could sing, you had to be able to scream, too. And I don't mean scream like a scared girl. I mean scream like an eagle, like a monster, like a wounded animal. Really call up big, guttural screams from the gut. Dickinson was like a cross between an enraged grizzly bear and Roger Daltrey. Dickinson deserves credit for setting an important standard.

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09: Lemmy Kilmister
The first time anyone sees Motorhead, the first thing they think is "Oh, my lord what an ugly bunch of guys." And, the ugliest of them all is Lemmy, the lead singer and guitar player. Now, the cool thing about Lemmy is that, as ugly as he looks, he sounds even uglier. Lemmy has a voice like a decrepit dumptruck or a half-rusted out motorcycle. He sings from the gut, but that doesn't really describe it. And it's not enough to say he sings from the groin, either. Lemmy sings from his feet; like every ugly ounce of him is being forced through his vocal chords. And there is nobody who could fit Motorhead better. Motorhead embodies an ugly, dirty, greasy element that rock and roll just can't do without. And Lemmy, warts and all, embodies Motorhead. 'Cuz, ya know what? Metal is supposed to be ugly. That's what always bugged me most during the hair-band, glam-rock wussy years in the late '80's when butt-sucking bands like Warrent and Poison and Winger were having hits. Their music was lame, their videos were always on TV, and those guys were just so pretty. God bless ya, Lemmy. God bless you and your big, ugly, gnarly head.

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08: Brian Johnson
With the release of Back In Black, AC/DC did the impossible... they survived the loss of their most distinctive and valuable band member, Bon Scott. And not only did they survive him, they actually continued growing after his death. AC/DC actually refined their sound, with guitarist Angus Young stepping up to become the band's driving force. As important as Angus was in the post-Bon AC/DC, he couldn't have saved the band by himself. And he didn't have to... because the impossible act that AC/DC pulled off was they found the perfect new vocalist to replace the late Bon Scott. Brian Johnson sounded just barely enough like Bon so that his vocals didn't change the AC/DC sound... and yet Brian had something distinctive that was all his own. Brian had a growl, a gravely resonance that just worked with the band's sound. He fit AC/DC just as well as Bon had, but in a different, idiosyncratic way. Johnson's voice is shot these days, but in his day, he was a monster.

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07: Ronnie James Dio
OK, yeah, it's easy to make jokes about Ronnie James. He's a tiny little guy. He takes himself so seriously. The whole Dark Knight of Mystery schtick that he tries to pull off seems silly. But then you listen to songs like "Holy Diver" and "The Last In Line" and you realize that this guy was just made for metal. First of all, metal really is supposed to be kinda pompous, kinda self-important, kinda grandiose. That's part of the appeal. That's part of the escape. And Ronnie James Dio (who is, to my knowledge, 2'10" tall) really delivers the goods on his songs. Those goofy "Ride the tiger through the midnight sea" lyrics actually take on a kind of majesty when Ronnie belts them out. When he sings one of those songs, he actually becomes a dark knight, ready to do battle. When you listen to those songs, you're ready to ride into battle with him.

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06: James Hetfield
I might catch some crap over this one, but I think that James Hetfield of Metallia has always been a damn good Metal vocalist... and I think (here comes the crap-catching part) that he's gotten better and better over the years. Go back and listen to those early albums. Songs like Seek and Destroy and Escape really don't show much vocal range. Oh, yeah, they rock like a mutha, but they don't have a lot to offer vocally. Now, go listen to newer (and, arguably lamer) Metallica albums. Check out the vocals on songs like "Bad Seed" and "Invisible Kid" and "Lowman's Lyric". Say what you want, but the guy's singing just gets better and better. Part of that is because he's becoming more and more confident as a vocalist. Part of it is coming with age, too. Now, I will out myself as a Metallica fan who still enjoys the new stuff, too... but I'm being as objective as I can possibly be when I say that James Hetfield becomes a better and better singer on every album that Metallica releases.

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05: John Bush
Both with his first band, Armored Saint, and on the four albums he did with Anthrax, John Bush proved himself to be one of those guys who was just born to sing metal. He couldn't have done anything else... and, besides, metal needed him. There's a phrase I've heard used to describe a lot of metal singers, and that phrase is "He sings from the balls." I think that phrase may have been invented to describe John Bush's vocal style. Bush can get down really, really deep... he can push his voice into this amazingly raw territory... and he still stays on key, he still sounds melodic, he still sounds great. If you're a metal fan and you don't own Anthrax's album "The Sound Of White Noise", you really don't know what you're missing. It's one of the best metal albums ever... one of my top three albums of any genre... and you have got to own it. Go to half.com and look for it, for Pete's sake. You can probably get it for a couple of bucks... and Bush's vocals on that album will BLOW. YOUR. MIND. I don't know what Bush is doing now that the original line-up of Anthrax is back together and he's out of the band... but I hope he's doing something. Metal needed him twenty years ago and we need him now.

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04: Phil Anselmo
This guy has been in more bands than I can count and has sung on more metal albums than I could try to name... but he is on this list exclusively for his work on two albums and two albums alone: Pantera's Vulgar Display of Power and Far Beyond Driven. There's been a lot of talk since Dimebag Darrell died about how his guitar playing really was the creative force behind Pantera's sound, and I won't deny that for one minute. Still, I can't imagine the two Pantera albums I listed above without Anselmo. Phil Anselmo can do the big, growling, rage scream metal vocal thing better than anybody in the business. A lot of metal bands think that just having a guy do a gravely Cookie Monster sounding scream is good enough for metal. Not so. The thing with Anselmo is, no matter how raw and unhinged he sounded, you could always understand the lyrics and he was always still on tune. Then, on certain songs, he'd stop the "metal" thing altogether and simply sing melodically... and damned if he couldn't do that, too. Even if he had never recorded another album (and, as far as I'm concerned, he didn't), Phil Anselmo would be as high on this list as he is just for Vulgar Display and Driven. Those two albums rock like nobody's business.

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03: Bon Scott
AC/DC's first vocalist and the absolute living personification of rock and roll. I seriously doubt that any of us would have ever even heard of AC/DC if it hadn't been for Bon and his amazing vocal ability. Bon put so much into his vocals; sounding cocky, abrasive, drunk, self-depreciating, and scary all at once. Look up "swagger" in the dictionary and there ought to be a picture of Bon Scott. Look up "Dangerous," look up "Over-The-Top." Oh, heck, just look up "Rock And Roll" and there darn well ought to be a picture of Bon right there. Nobody ever did that full-bore rock-vocal kind of thing before him, and there's been nobody since who could pull it off like Bon did. Even Brian Johnson, AC/DC's excellent replacement for their late singer, was no Bon Scott. Over the years I've heard a thousand bands that sounded to me like their singer was trying to be the next Bon Scott. Remember Ugly Kid Joe? Remember a band called Rhino Bucket? You might not remember either of those bands, and the reason you don't is because they sucked and they faded away quickly. A lesson to metal bands everywhere: Don't try to find the next Bon Scott. There'll never be another.

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02: Mike Patton
Here's another one that might cause me to catch some crap for having him so high on the list... but I don't care. Mike Patton is an AMAZING vocalist. There is absolutely nobody who can do what he can do with his vocal chords. For starters, Patton can actually sing. Listen to tracks like "Take This Bottle" or "A Small Victory" and listen to the guy just flat out sing. He's got chops, man. I'd put him up against anybody you've got. Michael Stipe? Forget it. Art Garfunkel? Don't bother. Patton can out-sing any of 'em. Then, when he gets into his whole freak-out thing... when he starts doing that stuff that he does and that only he does... well, there's just nobody who can come close. That moron who sings with Korn has tried to be the next Mike Patton, and he just looks stupid. Then there's Fred Dust from Limp Bizkit, another weak Patton knock-off. Forget those guys. Mike Patton is the real thing. It is a shame... an absolute crying shame that most people only know him as the singer behind the one hit wonder "Epic." That's a good song, but it doesn't get within 10% of what Patton can do vocally.

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01: Rob Halford
Rob Halford is the greatest singer in the history of popular music. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Halford has never gotten the props he deserves. As far as metal fans are concerned, I think each of us should at the very least send Halford a "Thank You" card through the mail, because the music we love wouldn't have been the same without him. Even if you're not a Judas Priest fan... even if you've never heardJudas Priest, there is simply no denying that Heavy Metal would have faded away and died in the mid seventies without them. Priest saved metal, and Rob Halford is the heart, soul, guts and lungs of Judas Priest. Rob Halford can sing anything. Honestly, he can sing anything. You name it, he could pull it off. Rob Halford could sing opera, country music, hip-hop, polka. Fageddaboudit. Rob Halford is simply the man. There's just no other way to say it. And we metal fans are truly privileged, because Halford loaned his talents to the music we love.

As a personal tribute to Rob, I try to make sure that I always pronounce the word "fortune" just like he does: "FAH-Chune."

Rob Halford is the greatest singer who ever lived. Rob Halford can sing notes that don't even exist yet. Rob Halford's vocals cure the common cold. Don't believe me? Next time you feel sick, listen to "Victim of Changes" and see if you don't feel better.

All hail Rob Halford, the king of heavy metal vocalists.

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There, the list is definitive, eternal, and complete. There is no need to speak of this anymore. If you ever hear anyone arguing about the greatest vocalist (or the ten greatest vocalists) in the history of heavy metal, simply send them to SouthCon and set them straight.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

Labels: Metallica, Music