There are a lot of good reasons not to do crystal meth, but the main reason that I don’t do crystal meth is that I don't want to end up on an episode of Cops.

Is Cops still in production? The IMDb page for the series doesn't have an end date listed, but I'd been under the impression for a while now that the show was just in eternal syndication rerun. All the episodes I see seem to be a few years old, anyway. And, I admit, I see quite a few episodes of Cops.

You know, for all my holier-than-though ranting against reality TV, I'm always willing to kill an hour with two back-to-back episodes of Cops. Granted, there has to be absolutely NOTHING better to do at the time, and I have to be on the verge of boredom induced hemorrhaging, but under the right circumstances I will watch the show. I don't call it Cops, though. I call it The Crystal Meth Comedy Hour. If you've ever watched it, you know why. If not, here's a brief explanation: Every episode of Cops features one to four crystal meth junkies being busted for doing something stupid, like trying to buy crystal meth, trying to steal crystal meth, or trying to sell his or her vital organs in order to obtain crystal meth.

I've learned a lot from watching Cops over the years. The main thing I've learned is that you should never, ever, ever, ever run from a cop. Because they will always eventually catch you, and when they do they're going to friggin' SLAM you to the ground. I don't mean knock you down, I don't mean push you to the ground, I mean SLAM you like you were a football and they were Deion Sanders.

Not that they'd have to chase me very far. Maybe ten feet. I admit, I'm so hooked on ice-cream that it might as well be ... uh, crystal meth. I can't remember the last time I had to run for any reason, and I'm darn sure not gonna run a few feet just to have some cop SLAM me to the ground so close to my car I can still almost touch it.

Not every Cops viewing experience in my life has been positive, though. Remember a several years ago when they came out with that Cops: Too Hot For TV video series? Don't rent those. Just don't. Here's what happened: It was a long time ago, before I was ever even married for the first time, and me and a buddy were hanging out, looking for something to do. We decided to go rent a movie and since we couldn't agree on a movie we ended up deciding to check out one of the Cops: Too Hot For TV video tapes that the rental store had.

They shouldn't call those tapes Cops: Too Hot For TV. If they were a little more honest, they'd give them a title like The Naked Screaming Drunk Fat Old Man Show. But I guess nobody'd rent them then. That's pretty much all the video we saw had to offer, though. Naked, screaming, drunk, fat, old men. I suppose we expected to see some cool cop show-downs at strip joints ... or maybe some nekked chicks being arrested for being, oh, "too hot for TV" or something. Noooooo. That's not it at all. It's all naked, screaming, drunk, fat, old men:

• COP: We've received a call to a nearby bar, where a patron is creating some kind of disturbance ... OK, we've arrived at the bar now, let's go inside and see what's going on.



• NAKED, SCREAMING, DRUNK, FAT, OLD MAN: Heeeyyy! Heeeyyyyy!



• COP: Sir, could you calm down? Calm down, sir. Where are your pants?



• NAKED, SCREAMING, DRUNK, FAT OLD MAN: Heeeeeyyyy! F*%k!



• COP: Sir, you have the right to remain silent. If you choose to



• NAKED, SCREAMING, DRUNK, FAT OLD MAN: Heeeeyyyy!!! (takes off running)



• COP: (SLAM!!)

That's another thing I've learned from Cops. When a cop gets a call to arrest a naked person, it's never someone who looks like a famous celebrity.

Well, maybe Benny Hill.

Labels: Entertainment, Humor, Personal