This is the start of a new SouthCon feature, something simple, dumb and memorable enough that I might actually keep at it.

I don't have a Bucket List, but I do have a Shovel List. That is, a list of people I'd like to hit in the face with a shovel.

Here's the first installment.

The list of people that I'd like to
hit in the face with a shovel* includes:

• Al Gore



• Jack Black



• Flava Flav



• Seth MacFarlane



• Garth Brooks (For hundreds of good reasons, but this is the most recent... the man, the song, the occasion; it's like over-hype critical mass.)



• James Carvelle



• Michael Stipe



• Al Gore



• Michael Vick (I'd want him to be wearing a dog collar at the time.)



• Spincer Pratt



• Henry Rollins



• Harry Reid



• Robin Williams



• Any teacher who was "inspired" to pursue teaching because of Dead Poet's Society



• That Daily Kos asshole



• Allen Iverson



• Al Gore (Really, I'd trade everyone else off the list for one swat at this douchebag.)



• Shepard Fairey



• The guy who sold John Belushi that final, fatal fix



• John Belushi



• Barbra Streisand (I'm no sexist, she has earned her place on this list, just like all the men listed here.)



• Jeramiah Wright



• Patton Oswalt (he's not funny, but I bet his nose bleeds funny.)



• Whoever canceled Strangers With Candy



• David Cross (Yeah, Arrested Development was a great show, but this guy is a total waste of oxygen.)



• "Senator" Al Franken



• Kanye West



• Al Gore (Can't you just hear the satisfying KRRRNGGG! as shovel contacts smug?)



• Al Gore



• Chad Kroeger (Even without his godawful music ... just look at the son of a bitch and see if you don't start twitching for a shovel.)



• Al Gore

This list, I'm sure, will grow. It will grow as surely as my venomous, childish spite toward a world I can't control grows every day. Stay tuned for more fun!

In closing, "Dan" stands in for everyone on the list. Especially Al gore.

*Disclaimer: The author doesn't actually wish physical harm upon anyone on this list. The author doesn't intend to encourage anyone to actually, physically hit anyone on this list with a shovel. In the event that someone does actually hit anyone on this list with a shovel, the author respectfully insists that the shovel-swinger must not pull some kind of John Hinckley/Jodie Foster deal and say that it was done to impress the author. The author reserves the right, though, to snicker quietly if someone actually does hit someone on this list in the face with a shovel. Especially Al Gore.

Labels: The Shovel List