Man, what a week, huh? My head is still spinning.

Here are some videos to close out a week's worth of fairly active blogging on my part.

This first video is political AND personal. It's a little long, like six minutes, so I understand if you don't want to watch it. My 9 year old stepson, Liam, really followed the Presidential election this year. He watched and read a lot of news, and he asked me a lot of questions about it. And he and I had a number of conversations about Obama and McCain. So I got out the video camera:

Of course, he's been influenced by my conservative perspective. The day will probably come when he and I don't see eye-to-eye on any number of political issues. But I go out of my way to make it clear to all of our kids that agreeing on everything isn't what's important. What's important is that we keep talking and keep listening to each other, and that we share our opinions with love and with respect. We're a family. That trumps everything else. You can disagree with someone in your family on political matters and still love and respect them.

This next one is the latest from the Mighty Zo Rachel. I've been following his YouTube channel for only a few weeks now and I check it daily to see if he's posted anything new yet. In this video Zo talks about the aftermath of Election 2008 and offers some good advice to his fellow conservatives:

Man, we need to goad Zo into getting into politics. I don't know where the hell the man lives, but he needs to start out running for city council or the school board or whatever. And then work his way up to state office, and then on to Federal office and then the White House around 2020. I'm dead serious, dude. He strikes me as a communicator, a leader, and a man with a clear, conservative vision. That's what we need. Zo Rachel For President.

OK, check this next bit out: Presidential dog Barney is taking some hate for having allegedly bitten a reporter:

It looks to me like Barney might have gotten a little snag on one of this guy's fingers. But that ain't the point. Here's the point:

If you know anything about dogs, you already know what this reporter did wrong. A dog is a living animal. An animal, not a toy, and as an animal it has to be approached in a certain way. That reporter didn't know a damn thing about Barney. All dogs are different, some are jumpy, some are territorial, some are nervous, some are just mean. You have to know what kind of dog you're approaching and you have to approach him properly.

Never just put your open hand on a dog. Don't offer your open hand to a dog, either. He might respond well to that, or he might feel threatened by it. Barney seemed to have felt threatened. And he did what dogs do when they feel threatened.

The reporter is lucky. Had Barney been a moody Mastiff or a St. Bernard, he might have taken the ends of two or three of those fingers.

When you approach a dog you don't know, first of all, ask it's owner or guardian if you can pet the dog. If you're given the go-ahead, the first thing to do is to offer the dog the back of your closed fist for the animal to smell. If he doesn't like what he smells, or just generally doesn't like you, he'll let you know with a growl or a snort, or he'll back off. If he accepts your fist with a tail-wagging and general happiness, that would be the time to go ahead and give him a little scratch.

You don't lay your open hand on a strange dog. You just don't do it. You might get bitten. Let's hope that reporter has learned and will remember one of the basic lessons of human - dog interaction.

OK, let's wrap this up with a little raw Anthrax, "Caught In A Mosh" and "Got The Time", recorded live in Sacramento in '98. This was back when 'Thrax had their best vocalist ever, the mighty John Bush. The technical quality of this clip just ain't all that happenin' ... but the energy is there and I'm sure it was a great show.

Coming Tomorrow ... SouthCon presents me hosting my own made-up version of an episode of MTV's Headbanger's Ball. It oughta be a lot of fun.

Labels: Dogs, Media, News, Personal, Politics, You Tube, Zo

Cleaning windows on the first warm day of spring is always a lot of fun. Especially when the dogs help.

Man, the winter was really hard on my lawn and bushes.

Thanks for the assist, Chester.

Labels: Dogs, Personal, Trivial Matters

Mosh it up, Rover.

Labels: Dogs, Humor, Music, Trivial Matters, You Tube

I'm home, sick, from work today (really sick, not Oscar sick), and thinking about how attached we get to our pets and how much it sucks when they pass on.

The topic has been on my mind lately. The Unseen One and Rhodester both recently lost well-loved pets, and MCF recently had a close call.

Pets are important to many of the bloggers I read. Lorna has her cat and B13 and Cube and Otis have their dogs, and here at Darwen.us headquarters we're a two-dog house. We have our principal dog, Tilda ... and in the event that Tilda is for any reason unable to fulfill her canine duties, we have our relief dog, Chester.

Wendy would probably insist that I have the order backwards; that Chester is the principal dog. She'd be wrong for a number of reasons. For one thing, Tilda was here first. She has seniority. And besides, Tilda understands what the garbage truck is for.

Chester, on the other hand, has a terribly dysfunctional relationship with the garbage truck. He's figured out that every Thursday morning these guys in a big white truck come down the alley and ... gasp! ... STEAL OUR GARBAGE. He's bound and determined to put a stop to this weekly theft, so every Wednesday night when we take the trash out, Chester insists on sleeping outside, just inside the fence from the trash cans. Then every Thursday morning when the garbage truck comes, Chester goes into full scale terror alert mode, doing everything he can to get us to come outside and catch those garbage-stealing bastards in the act. And every Thursday morning after the truck is gone he comes back in the house and spends another day formulating a better plan for next week.

The other day I came home from work and showered, and then sat on the couch petting Tilda while Wendy used the PC beside me. Wendy asked me "Why do you love that dumb dog so much?"

"Well," I responded in my most self-pitying voice, "Tilda is the only body here who's ever happy to see me when I get home from work."

Wendy was indignant: "Oh, you KNOW that's not true! BOTH dogs are happy to see you when you get home!"

And she's right. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

Really, it is nice. And if you're not a pet-owner, you'd never understand. On the other hand, judging from the pet-lovers in my blogroll, I'd say I'm in pretty good company.

Labels: Dogs, Humor, Personal

If you were moved by Otis's tale of a rescued tortoise (and I admit, I certainly was), then you have got to check this story out:

Larry Thompson first noticed his 14 year old dalmatian was missing on Thursday night. Over the weekend, he heard noises and realized the dog, Alex, had fallen in a storm drain.

For four days the Thompson family and friends used a backhoe to dig a hole ... nah, not a hole, a thirty foot crater ... on the Thompson property with the hopes of rescuing the dog. When digging got dangerously close to the storm drain, the Thompsons continued digging with their bare hands.

Larry Thompson says, "A lot of people wouldn't give it the time of day or even attempt to get the animal out. I wanted to get him out alive or dead, either one. The effort was worth it both ways."

How'd the story end? Watch this video and see:

Now, you may be asking yourself, why would a reasonable person tear up his property to save a fourteen year old dog? I can't answer that question, but I can tell you this: If Tilda or Chester were stuck in a storm drain, I'd tear up my property and yours to find 'em. Mine and yours, pal. And that's no joke.

Labels: Dogs, News, Personal

I've been having some trouble sleeping lately. I'm a shift worker and my circadian rhythm is about as rhythmic as a train wreck … so for the past three nights in a row I've found myself wide awake at 4:00 AM.

I get up with the dogs. What else is there to do?

"Getting up with the dogs," of course, is an option unique to dog owners. Here's how it works in this house: You get out of bed and take the dogs outside for a quick bathroom break … and then you come back in and sit on the couch with the dogs, both of whom act as thrilled to be sharing your company as anyone else might if they were hanging out with celebrities or royalty or rich people. The dogs fight for lap space and eventually work out a truce wherein one dog is in my lap and the other is pushed up as close as possible beside me on the couch. Both dogs wag their tails like mad and shake all over and just generally do everything they can to express the concept "Wow! You GOT UP WITH US! Isn't this GREAT??!" after a great deal of enthusiasm and general dog/dog-owner bonding, all three of us attempt to drift back off to sleep with varying degrees of success. If that fails to work, there's always the fridge.

Getting up with the dogs is awesome. Nobody ever "got up with the cats."

I write a whole lot about political issues here and I'm always fairly straightforward about where my allegiances are. In case I haven't made it clear in the past (although I'm sure I have), I'm a dog person. I am not a cat person.

Wendy is a cat person. She loves our dogs in specific, but she doesn't love dogs in general. The concept of the awesomeness of dogginess, and the way that dogs just kick ass by and large, seems to be lost on her. That confuses me, and I'm doubly perplexed by her preference for cats since cats are clearly evil, irresponsible animals who don't love anyone.

There, I said it.

Dogs are better than cats, and I can prove it:

For one thing, dogs never lose their enthusiasm for anything. They take nothing for granted. Dogs are as happy about something the five millionth time it happens as they are the first time. Typical dog attitudes at our house include

• "Oh, wow! The school bus came again today! And it dropped the kids off! The kids are home! WOW! WOW! THE KIDS ACTUALLY CAME HOME!! AGAIN!!!""


• "OH MY LORD! Are you going to FEED ME? You're going to FEED ME, AREN'T YOU? Wow! This is going to be SO GREAT because I love to EAT! Thank you SO MUCH!"


• "Hey, look, it's THE FRISBEE! Do you think … I know this might sound radical, but hear me out … do you think you could THROW IT, just like you have EVERY TIME WE'VE EVER COME OUT INTO THE BACK YARD? You will??!? You're going to THROW IT? Oh, that's so AWESOME!"

Cats, on the other hand, take everything for granted. Cat's don't express enthusiasm, they express "contentment." You never make a cat happy. You might, occasionally, meet it's expectations.

Dogs are also capable of feeling and expressing shame. If a dog gets into the trash can for the FIFTEEN TIME TODAY (not that I'm bitter) and you yell at the dog for his behavior, the dog will tuck his tail between his legs and slink around as if to say "Oh, man, how could I have forgotten that? I'm not supposed to do that. I'm sorry. I'm sooooo sorry, pleeeeease forgive me."

If you yell at a cat for doing something it's not supposed to, the cat will only express two possible responses: confusion and anger. Confusion because you've clearly forgotten your subordinate role to the cat and anger because you've interfered with it's highly-important cat activity.

If dogs and cats were characters on Spongebob Squarepants, all dogs would be Patrick and all cats would be Squidward.

You can play with a dog. by the way. You can work out elaborate games with actual rules. Rules like I throw it, you go get it, I take it from you and throw it again. You can't actually play with a cat. All you can do for a cat is hold something while the cat smacks it. With dogs you can be a playmate. With cats you can only be an enabler.

By the way, the worse you smell, the happier your dog is to see you. If you come in from a long day of mowing grass or working your butt off and you're drenched with sweat, your dog will positively shake with joy at the opportunity to enjoy your many strange smells. Cats don't do that. Hell, people don't even do that. I've never come home from a day of busting my butt at work and heard my wife say "Oh, good, you stink!"

If someone comes to the door, our dogs let us know. Our dogs are always on the lookout for anyone who might pose the threat of coming in and possibly attacking us, robbing us, or delivering a package from UPS. Our dogs are aware of these potential threats and they're ever vigilant in their dedication to protecting us. Cats, on the other hand, never lift a paw to stop anyone from coming in. Charles Manson could walk into your home and a cat's attitude would be "Oh, good, you've come. Listen, please be a dear and hold this string while I bat at it, won't you? Otherwise, I simply don't see any reason for your presence."

Dogs are optimists. Cats are cynics.

Dogs believe in God. Cats believe that they are gods.

Dogs are always willing to try new things. Cats respond to any change by sulking under the bed.

All hail the awesome dog. Would that we could be more like him in his enthusiasm, love, appreciation of life and willingness to bite the UPS man.

Show me a cat that'll bite the UPS man and I'll show you a cat with aspirations above the mere feline.

This post is dedicated to Tilda and Chester. Good dogs. Gooooood dooooogs.

Labels: Dogs, Greatest Hits, Humor, Personal

I got the idea from the Unseen Blogger:

If this goes over well, the sequel, promised at the end, will go into production soon.

Labels: Dogs, Personal, You Tube

A year ago we bought a basset hound puppy and named him Chester. He's graced my banner (above) for... I dunno... six months or so. It's been quite a year with Chester. Here's 90 seconds of video that demonstrates how much a basset hound grows in a year. The first clip below was taped a year ago, give or take a week or two. The next clip was taped this afternoon. I had to wake him up from napping under the tree to tape him, which is why he was so grouchy. As I type this he's asleep at my feet, snoring like a freight train.

I'm still having a terrible time figuring out the perfect compromise between resolution and file size for YouTube videos. This one still looks pretty darned grainy, but not as bad as the last one I posted.

The other dog is Tilda, our beautiful brittany spaniel. Tilda, technically, is mine. Chester, technically, is Wendy's dog. For some reason, however, Chester thinks of me as his Lay-Z-Boy. If I'm on the couch, he's asleep on my chest.

Other basset fans might enjoy this video and this video and this one and this one and this one and this one, too. There aren't many Brittany Spaniel videos at YouTube, but for some Brittany action, you can check out Sammie, a French Brittany (not an AKC recognized breed, but still a cutie). Then, there's Hugo, a brittany who actually looks quite a lot like our Tilda. Then there's Rocky, a brittany with a beautiful coat who's owner, for some damn reason, decided to shear him, leaving him looking like a freakin' pit bull!

Labels: Dogs, Personal, You Tube

It's baaaaaack.

1) What were some of your scariest vehicular experiences, either behind the wheel or as a passenger?

I've been in two serious wrecks, both while listening to Metallica at full blast on my car stereo.

The first was entirely my fault. I was, like, 18 years old and driving irresponsibly. I had Disposable Heroes BLASTING, and I ran a red-light. I hit a Ford Bronco. I was driving a Ford Escort. Both of us were going about 40 MPH. Nobody was seriously injured, although I did get flung into the car windshield and my forehead shattered it. My left side slammed against the driver-side door so hard that I actually embedded the window crank into the car door. I had a big bruise on my arm from that for weeks. I remember walking around at the wreck site, spitting out glass, waiting for the cops and my parents to arrive. Basically, it scared me straight. I've been a careful driver ever since.

Which is why my second accident was not my fault. An old man ran a stop sign and plowed into my car (the same Ford Escort). I was listening to side two of ...And Justice For All at the time, but I'm not absolutely certain what song was playing. I think it was Harvester. Anyway, this time the Escort was totaled. They had to cut me out of the car with the jaws of life and everything. I had a sprained neck, but other than that I was OK. However, since I was complaining of neck pain, of course they strapped me to a gurney and took me to the hospital in an ambulance (Wheeeee!) and did a bunch of x-rays and stuff.

The lesson I've learned is that one shouldn't drive around blasting Metallica at full volume. Unfortunately, I have never once practiced the lesson I learned. I still drive around blasting Metallica on a nearly daily basis.

2) Are you going anywhere fun this Summer, and does Summer even mean the same to you as it did when you were younger?

We try to take summer trips with the kids every year. Amusement parks, natural wonders, museums, etc. This year, with me having missed so much work due to my surgery and because of the surgical bills, we'll have to restrict ourselves to free stuff... hikes, picnics, etc. All of which can be as much fun as anything else. Now that I'm a parent and get to plan the summer trips and get to vicariously experience the fun through our kids, summer trips mean more to me than ever.

3) What was your favorite childhood toy, and how did it influence you over the course of your life?

This is a picture of me on Christmas day when I was eight years old:

'Nuff said.

4) Speaking of childhoods, since I cast a Thundercats movie, Rey cast a Dungeons & Dragons movie, and Wendy made a comment about casting Atlas Shrugged, now it's your turn. Choose a cartoon, novel or other favorite work of fiction that's never been made into a movie, and tell us who you'd like to see star in it. If you're among those who’ve done this exercise before, of course you can do it again with something different.

Ah, crap.

The Shining is my favorite novel, but it's already been filmed twice... once for the big screen and once for TV.

I'd pick a comic book, but nearly all of them have already been made into movies, too.

I'm going to go over to my bookshelf and pick a book at random with my eyes closed. Be right back.

Oh, crap. This is the book I picked: The New Complete Brittany by Maxwell Riddle. This is a training guide for owners of Brittany spaniels, such as our dog Tilda. Not that there's anything wrong with this book. It is, in fact, a very useful book for owners of Brittany Spaniels, especially those who hope to train their dogs for bird hunting. Brittanys are natural born bird dogs.

How am I supposed to cast this book?

Alright, to the extent that our own dog would have a walk-on in the movie, I suppose she should be played by Tilda Swinton. Wendy and I have both been big Tilda Swinton fans for a long time, and that's why we named our dog after her. I think she could probably do a good job playing our dog, too. All she'd have to do is bound into a room on all-fours, jump up on the couch, lick everyone's face, and then lay in the floor and chew manically on one of her own legs for a few seconds... then drift off to sleep. I can see Tilda Swinton in that role. I think she could convey some real sense of the Brittanyness of our dog.

I've just flipped through the book looking for a picture of Maxwell Riddle himself, but there isn't one. I'm not sure who should play him. His name is rather enigmatic, don't you think? Riddle. Something about that name is mysterious. He's clearly an authority on the breed, and yet he's a bit of a puzzle. An authority and a mystery.... Who can pull that off?

Alright, Lawrence Fishburne should play Maxwell Riddle. He'd be kinda like Morpheus in the Matrix movies, only instead of helping people escape the false-reality of the Matrix, he'd be helping Brittany spaniels learn to get along in the human world. He'd say things to our dog like:

The house is a system, Tilda... but the system is your enemy. You look around, what do you see? Carpets? Linoleum? All of which you want to poop on. But remember, you are dependent upon the humans for your sustenance. You must use the system of the humans to get what you want. You want that which is known to us as the doggie treat. You want the scratching on the ear. Use the system, Tilda. Use the doorway. Go through the doorway. Poop outside. But remember, once you go through that doorway, once you poop outside, there's no coming back to poop inside.

As far as casting the other characters, I don't really know. There are some cute puppies pictured in the book. I think they should all be played by Dakota Fanning. Use CGI to replicate her so she can play all the puppies at once... just like they did with Hugo Weaving in the second Matrix movie.

Another Matrix connection.

You know, the more I work on this, the more I realize that my book on how to train Brittany Spaniels was really just a big Matrix rip-off from the start. And, to think, the first time I read it, I thought it was really original. I feel so stupid.

5) Your Current Age/2 = A
A + (A/2) = B
Your Current Age = C

If you say so.

What was your favorite pizza topping at A, B, and C respectively?(Providing the numeric values of A, B, and C is of course optional).

Oh, it's a two part question? Wait a minute. Let me go back and read the first part again.

5) Your Current Age/2 = A
A + (A/2) = B
Your Current Age = C

I don't know what that means. I don't like math. Numbers frighten me and make me uncomfortable. I hate and fear change. Please make the spinning stop. Make the spinning stop, I beg you. Please.

What was that about Pizza again?

What was your favorite pizza topping at A, B, and C respectively?(Providing the numeric values of A, B, and C is of course optional).

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, God, oh, man. Providing the respective numberistric values for my favorite pizza toppings, I would have to say that the answer is 5. Please tell me if I'm right.

I do like pizza. But, I like to eat it rather than do math with it.


SPECIAL BONUS QUESTION: If you could know one thing about MCF that you didn't, what would it be?

The same question that every guy eventually asks every guy buddy of his... if you had to pick one of the original Charlie's Angels, which one would it be?

Labels: Blogs, Dogs, Metallica, Personal