Matt Damon isn't happy about the idea of Sarah Palin in the White House. Oooooh, no. He's not happy one wittle bit. He's been up waaaay past his bedtime worrying his pretty little head about it. Matt says:

"I think that’s a really scary thing because I don’t know anything about her ... You do the actuary tables and there’s a one-out-of-three chance, if not more, that McCain doesn’t survive his first term and it will be President Palin . . . It’s like a bad Disney movie ... ‘I’m just a hockey mom from Alaska.’ And she’s the president ... And it’s like she’s facing down Vladimir Putin and using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink. It’s absurd. It’s totally absurd.”

He went on to say "And what if she got knocked on the head and forgot who she was? I did an Excel spreadsheet and there's a 44% chance of that happening. And what if she had to fight her way out of a room full of Russian spies using only her subconsciously remembered little-league hockey mom skills? Could she, like, use lipstick as a weapon? Or whatnot? Because I just don't know if she could. It's like a bad Paul Greengrass movie."

Damon has stared in a number of hit films during his days off from his regular job as an actuary for Nationwide. "I just don't know about Palin," he reiterated, and then wandered down the hall to stare at the pretty blue water going swirly-swirly in the toilet.

Labels: Humor, Media, Politics, True Hollywood Report, You Tube

The 2007 Grammy Awards were held last night, and I think we can all agree that it was easily the best, most glamorous and most important Grammy Awards program in the glamorous and important history of the Grammy Awards. WOW! What an amazing evening! Let's take a look at just a few of the glamorous and important award winners who won important, glamorous awards last night:

The award for Soul Performance Of The Year was presented to the late James Brown for the post mortem Soul Kiss he engaged in with Michael Jackson during his funeral in Augusta, Georgia. Recording Academy members were deeply moved when Jacko planted a big smacker on the the remains of "The Godfather Of Death," many of them saying that watching an apparent alien make out with a corpse "wasn't the least bit creepy. Besides, it was nice to see MJ taking advantage of a male over the age of 15."

Meanwhile, Barbra Streisand was awarded the prize for Soulless Performance Of The Year for "Shut The F--k Up!" … a performance art piece she dedicated to fans at her October concert at Madison Square Garden. Some of the fans at that show who'd paid money to hear Babs sing had expressed disappointment when she decided instead to engage in political posturing with a George W. Bush look-alike. Streisand launched impromptu into "Shut The F--k Up!" in response, wowing the crowd with her ability to freestyle as well as 50 Cent. The piece proved to be the apex of a stunning set. In fact, one fan in attendance reported that Barbra's actual soullessness was only apparent if you "looked directly into her eyes or listened to her express her ideas."

Female Performance Of The Year honors went to Paris Hilton, who's debut disc has been praised by critics. Note that it's the disc itself, and not the music it contains, that the critics have praised. The music is wretched. The CD itself, however, has been called "shiny and flat with a nice, useful hole." Hilton's fans embraced such reviews of the disc, noting that those are the same qualities that they admire in the popular heiress.

Clay Aiken was recognized as Male Performer Of The Year for failing to release an album in 2006. By refraining to release an album which would have surely spawned a few hit singles on adult contemporary radio, Aiken spared us all some measure of pain and frustration. Anxious music fans hope that next year the award will go to Justin Timberlake … and for the same reason.

In a Grammys first, the award for Record Of The Year wasn't awarded for singing or for playing musical instruments, but for dancing. The Dixie Chicks were recognized for their remarkable record of doing the Jitterbug, the Twist and the Hustle in a desperate attempt to reestablish a fan-base with someone … anyone. The Chicks began their bizarre dance when singer Natalie Maines told a European audience that she was ashamed of President George W. Bush. The remark provoked the ire of the group's fans, many of whom somehow found it irresponsible to attack the president on foreign soil during wartime. A tearful Maines immediately retracted her remarks, and then in an apparent attempt to sell records to Pearl Jam fans, soon retracted her retraction. Meanwhile, sales of the groups most recent album and concerts have been disappointing by artist and genre standards, in spite of VH1's nearly continuous airing of the video for the first single, "Not Ready To Make Money". In total, the Dixie Chicks won forty-leven Grammys last night, good news for Sony Music executives who hope that the publicity might end the Dixie Chicks' most recent dance, "the Flop."

Contratulations to all the winners! While winning a Grammy isn't an award on par with being nominated to the Metropolitan Who's Who, it is an honor in it's own right and not a bad place to start.

Labels: Humor, True Hollywood Report

It's been a busy couple of weeks for the world's coolest rock star. Bono, lead singer and rabble rouser for the Irish group U2, told a crowd at a sold out concert in Toronto that Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin's record on foreign aid is "improving." The message was warmly greeted by the fans in attendance, who'd come to the concert hoping to get a lecture about Canada's foreign aid record, but terribly afraid that they might have to endure some rock music in the process. It was a much friendlier message than the one Bono sent at a Vancouver concert in April, when he chastised Martin for breaking a promise to raise Canada's spending on foreign aid.... Bono called Prime Minister Paul Martin "a friend" who has improved his record on global aid. "He's a good man..." In response, Prime Minister Martin said that he won't rest until his record on foreign aid is endorsed not only by Bono, but also by Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, and the members of N'Sync. The Hidden Blogger, who is known for idolizing U2 because of their refusal to take themselves too seriously, said that it was about time Martin took Bono's demands to heart.

One fan who attended the concert took exception to Bono's remarks. Six days later, D.L. McCracken found himself further confounded when Bono seemed to withdraw his praise for Paul Martin and join fellow rock star and world feeder, Bob Geldof, in a round of Canada-bashing. "...there's old Bob taking centre stage in New York amidst the United Nations summit of world leaders and he's back on the same old bandwagon and the world shudders as he steps toward the 48 microphones and says with an air of withering contempt that the world's efforts to make poverty history in Africa only gets a Geldof Rating of 4 out of a possible 10 and he adds in an ominous kind of way that he is not thrilled and the world shudders a bit more under the Wrath of Geldof.... someone asks him about Canada... and he sneers, "Canada..Canada is weird." ... And finally... you read... "Rocker Geldof joins Bono in rapping Canuck aid efforts" and your final thought as you chuck the newspaper into the nearest trash can is why can't Bob Geldof and Bono just shut the *expletive removed* up!

Elsewhere, Bono was the target of anger and derision by fellow Irish singer Sinead O'Connor. O'Connor, who is known for her tactful and even-keeled critiques of the Catholic church, took issue with Bono's grief at the death of Pope John Paul II. According to Sinead, "I wasn't going to say anything until I saw him kissing he rosary beads that the Pope gave him... He put those rosary beads on that microphone (stand) the day the Pope died and went on about how great Catholicism is. I think he should apologize for that." In response, fans of good music and listenable vocals around the world reiterated their belief that Sinead should apologize for breathing.

Actor and pilot John Travolta made headlines recently when he and his wife, Kelly Preston, made a trip to the New Orleans area to deliver relief supplies for Katrina victims. The visit, which was on behalf of the Church of Scientology, was part charity and part recruiting drive for the controversial science-fiction based religion: The couple visited shelters and doled out 1,200 tetanus shots to relief workers while Travolta "showed a demonstration of the 'assists' that the 'Volunteer "Ministers"' are giving and which are 'helping' individuals overcome the trauma of loss of homes and loved ones," the (Church of Scientology press) release stated. For those unfamiliar with the group's recruiting methods, an "assist" is a type of massage that Scientology's "volunteer ministers" use to lure people into learning about the "religion." Scientology is a religion based on the belief that an evil alien named Xenu visited the earth 75 million years ago and implanted a race of "ghosts" from which only Scientology can protect us. The religion has been embraced by a number of noted celebrities. It has also been warmly received by people looking for a story more interesting and believable than the most recent Star Wars movie.

Singing/dancing/reality TV poster couple Britney and Kevin Spears announced the birth of their first child together on Britney's website this week: The proud parents revealed: "We are ecstatic to announce the birth of our son. Everyone is happy, healthy and doing wonderful. Thank you all for your love and well wishes!! Love Britney & Kevin." This is the first child for Britney and, as far as he knows, the third child for Kevin, who dumped his pregnant girlfriend Shar Jackson as soon as he "got a shot at the big-time." The child's name has not yet been revealed to the press, although Las Vegas odds are 7-to-1 that his middle name will be "Ray" or "Bob." Doctor's report that the baby is healthy and fit, in spite of being born with a three-pack-a-day smoking habit.

Las Vegas odds makers are still reeling over this week's announced break-up of newlyweds Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger. Chesney is known for such country hits as "She Made Love To My Tractor" and "Look At My Abs, You Three-Tooth Redneck Gal." Zellweger is best known for Cold Mountain, Chicago, and some movies that actually aren't annoying. The couple, who met this past January and got married in May, are ending their marriage after four months together. A source close to the couple says "I'm shocked. I'm honestly shocked. I know that celebrity marriages are often flakey and unpredictable, but four months? Who'd ever have guessed they'd actually last that long?!"

Labels: Greatest Hits, Humor, True Hollywood Report

Oprah Winfrey crawled down from the top of her pile of money to demand that America apologize to the victims of Hurricane Katrina this week. "I think... this country owes these people an apology. This makes me so mad," the talk-show magnate said. This should not have happened. Nothing I saw on television prepared me for what I experienced on the ground." Oprah also insisted that America promise the victims that the country would never, ever, ever, ever have another hurricane. At press time, Oprah hadn't yet made up her mind as to whether or not the country should go to bed without any dinner. Nonetheless, representatives for the multimillionaire said that it is "highly likely" that Oprah will make the country "stand in the corner and think about it's behavior." America was last seen sulking in it's bedroom, hoping that Oprah is only mad about what we did, that she still loves us, and that she'll continue to buy us stuff.

Oprah's template for talk-show television is the most successful in the world. Still, actress/model/singer Tyra Banks plans to do something new and radically different with the debut of her own talk show. According to Banks, You have to look at that stuff and say, 'How can I make it different?' ... I think a reason a lot of talk shows fail is they try to be the next Ricki Lake or they try to be the next Oprah." Viewers of Banks' new program can expect a radical departure from the mold of American talk shows: " I just taped a show on cheating, because I feel like women are very interested in that... I'm also interested in body image... I'd love to interview Jessica Simpson and Beyoncé. ... We're most definitely going to have celebrities on the show. Jenny McCarthy came on and talked about her divorce and her new movie. We had Randy Jackson talking about American Idol. …" Americans are eager to experience this radically different new experiment in talk-show programming, and can only hope that Oprah doesn't take away our TV privileges before we get to see the upcoming episodes.

Film-maker and round crybaby idiot Michael Moore is said to be working on a film about Hurricane Katrina. Recently, he told the New York Daily News "Do not listen to anyone who says we can discuss all this later. No, we can't. Our country is in an immediate state of vulnerability. More hurricanes, wars, and other disasters are on the way, and a lazy bunch of self-satisfied lunatics are still running the show." More is expected to dispatch a film crew to New Orleans immediately, but not to go himself, much as he did when he sent a film crew to Iraq while working on Fahrenheit 9/11. However, sources close to Moore say that he'll likely join his crew in New Orleans "as soon as a decent Cajun restaurant is open and functional." Meanwhile, Moore is busy dispensing religious advice to American conservatives. In a letter addressed "To all my fellow Americans who voted for George W. Bush," Moore says "Do you believe in Jesus? Really? Didn't he say that we would be judged by how we treat the least among us?" Moore went on to blame those who voted for Bush for Hurricane Katrina: "You did this to us, to the world, to the people of New Orleans.". Not to be outdone, Howard Dean hastily held a press conference, during which he rubbed Miracle Whip in his hair and said that God hates Republicans because they cause cancer.

Country music singer and annoying blonde Faith Hill spent this past Sunday giving out relief supplies in hurricane ravaged Gulfport, Mississippi: Red Cross officials and a few beefy Highway Patrol officers - part of Hill's security detail - would not grant local reporters an interview with the country superstar. Kevin Titus, a Red Cross spokesman, told the Sun Herald that Hill did not want media attention, because she feared the event would appear too much like a "PR campaign," rather than a relief effort. Hill was followed by her own camera crew and reporters, instead. Hill happened to have her own camera crew and reporters with her because, as Sean Penn will tell you, there's no point in trying to help people if you don't bring along your very own publicity people. After distributing the goods, Gulfport residents thanked Hill for her efforts and for having the good sense to at least not sink a rescue boat. Faith Hill is best known for her hit songs "Love Something Something Love Whatever" and "Heart Love Something Whatever Yawn." She has 64 daughters with her husband, fellow country music doofus Clint McBrooks (or whatever).

Until recently, Bo Bice has been best known for three things:
One, not winning American Idol.
Two, not getting a hair cut.
Three, having a far cooler sounding stage name suggested by Google News when you search for news items about him. (Did you mean "Bob Ice?")
However, if Bo has his way, he'll be remembered as the singer and songwriter behind "We Can't Change This World," a song he has written about Hurricane Katrina. By writing and performing "We Can't Change This World," Bice has distinguished himself from other musicians who've donated their money and hard work to the Katrina relief effort. A friend of Bo's tells The SouthCon True Hollywood Story that "other musicians have given all kinds of stuff, but Bo has now given something really meaningful... he's given them his fifteenth and final minute of fame."

Rapper Kanye West refuses to back away from controversial remarks he made about President Bush during a televised Red Cross fundraiser for Hurricane Katrina victims earlier this month. West has been instrumental in drawing attention to the fact that the Bush administration is responsible for Hurricane Katrina, that Katrina hit only poor areas of New Orleans and bypassed wealthy and middle-class areas, and that even in the poor areas that it did hit, it only affected poor blacks and bypassed poor white people. Liberal activists have praised West for having the courage to decry George Bush and his racist hurricane, and West has been bolstered by the support: Speaking after his performance at "ReAct Now", West again insisted the American nation treat their impoverished underclass "like it's not really there.... Everybody's always concerned about theyself (sic)." West, who's career is based on his linguistic skills, continued, saying that "America's always been pushing the (impoverished) under the counter... And what happens if you're cleaning the kitchen and you're always dusting something under the counter? If you spill something, it's going come up and be in your f*****g face." This may have been another Katrina reference, or may have simply been a housekeeping tip for West's fans. Either way, it was certainly poetic and eloquent.

Past installments of the Southcon True Hollywood Story are available here:
September 6, 2005
August 27, 2005

Labels: Greatest Hits, Humor, True Hollywood Report

Canadian songbird/stork hybrid Celine Dion has criticized the Bush administration's response to Hurricane Katrina, and lashed out at law enforcement officials who are trying to stop looting in the ravaged city of New Orleans. "I open the television, there's people still there, waiting to be rescued, and for me it's not acceptable, Celine railed on Larry King Live. The number of Katrina victims currently waiting for rescue inside Celine Dion's television is still unknown at this time. Regarding looters, the "My Heart Will Go On" singer said "...they're stealing 20 pair of jeans or they're stealing television sets... Maybe those people are so poor, some of the people who do that, they're so poor they've never touched anything in their lives. Let them touch those things for once." In response, federal authorities have abandoned rescue efforts and are now air-dropping televisions and blue jeans on the greater New Orleans area.

For some celebrities, participating in hurricane-relief fundraisers and donating money isn't enough. In a daring and courageous act, actor/director Sean Penn flew to New Orleans (with his entourage and a personal photographer), surveyed the damage, assessed the rescue efforts, and with no regard at all for his personal safety, bravely sank one of the rescue boats. All Headline News reports: Penn had planned to rescue children and adults in the flood waters, but apparently forgot to plug a hole in the bottom of the vessel, which began taking water within seconds of its launch. Penn who is known for his political activism, was seen wearing what appeared to be a white flak jacket and frantically bailing water out of the sinking vessel with a red plastic cup. As the boat sank, Penn could be heard shrieking "I've been to Iraq! I've been to Iraq! I've been t-bbbb bubbb blubb blub blubbb blubbb..." Crestfallen rescue workers placed a call to several major Hollywood studios, saying that since Spicoli hadn't worked out so well, maybe they could send Bill and Ted, Jay and Silent Bob, or possibly the cast of Wayne's World.

Speaking of the cast of Wayne's World, Mike Meyers seemed about to hurl during a September 2nd NBC hurricane-relief fund-raiser when his co-presenter, Kanye West, did a little "free styling." Abandoning pre-scripted remarks designed to elicit donations for the Red Cross, rapper West attacked President Bush and stated that he believed that the delay in rescuing some victims in New Orleans was racially motivated. At least, that may be the message he was trying to convey: "You see a black family, it says, 'They're looting.' You see a white family, it says, 'They're looking for food.' And, you know, it's been five days because most of the people are black... I've even been shopping before even giving a donation, so now I'm calling my business manager right now to see what is the biggest amount I can give, and just to imagine if I was down there.... and those are my people down there. So anybody out there that wants to do anything that we can help, with the way America is set up to help the poor, the black people, the less well-off, as slow as possible... George Bush doesn't care about black people." Rolling Stone has called West a "sentimental R&B-poet," and it's easy to see why, given the eloquent command of the English language that he displayed last Friday.

Not all rap artists are as willing to "keep it real" as Kanye West is. Rapper and actor Nick Cannon, for instance, has released a new album called Stages, the first single from which is called "Can I Live." Breaking with rap music's time honored tradition of foul language, glorification of violence, and lyrical themes about rape and brutality, Cannon's "Can I Live" is a pro-life song in which Cannon thanks his mother for not aborting him when she conceived him at the age of seventeen. The premise of the song features Cannon speaking to his mother from within the womb, and the lyrics are, in part: Mommy I don't like this clinic / Hopefully you'll make the right decision / And don't go through with the knife decision / But it's hard to make the right move / when you in high school / how you have to work all day and take night school / hopping off the bus when the rain is pouring / what you want, morning sickness or the sickness of mourning? The video for the song features Cannon singing while hugging his real-life mother, and a chorus of children wearing t-shirts with the song's title emblazoned upon them. The song is smart, thoughtful, and unique, with a memorable melody and lyrics that could be sung in any church. It may be the most worthwhile rap song ever recorded. It's sure to be an abysmal commercial failure.

Wrapping today with a sad story, it seems that actor Bob Denver died last Friday at the age of 70. Denver is best known for having played Gilligan on the campy cult-favorite TV show Gilligan's Island, and for having played Maynard G. Krebs, the "hip" best friend to the title character on The Many Loves Of Doby Gillis. In 1998, Denver was busted for receiving a Fed Ex delivery of 30 grams of marijuana, and it has long been rumored that Dawn Wells, who played Mary Anne on Gilligan's Island, was his supplier. In fact, it's believed by many that authorities wanted Denver to cooperate in naming Wells. His check-book, it is said, contained several entries logging suspicious payments to Wells. Denver never identified Wells, or anyone else for that matter, insisting that the package must have been from a "crazy fan," even after authorities trashed his home and confiscated his marijuana pipes. Rather than rat anyone out, Denver took the punishment dealt out to him, six months of probation. Good job, little buddy. Good job.

Click here for the previous SouthCon True Hollywood Story.

Labels: Greatest Hits, Humor, True Hollywood Report

Margot Kidder immerged from her neighbor's bushes this week, long enough to officially become a US citizen.

Actress Margot Kidder became a U.S. citizen Wednesday to avoid possible deportation to her native Canada when she begins protesting the war in Iraq, she said.

The actress, best known for playing Lois Lane in the 1978 movie Superman and three sequels, was among 19 people who became citizens during a naturalization ceremony in Butte federal court.

Kidder said in an interview after the ceremony that her sole motivation was to protest the war in Iraq.

Kidder, who played Lois Lane in four Superman movies, is also known for the three days she spent missing in 1996, only to be found in her neighbor's back yard, hiding in the bushes. She was missing several teeth. She had cut her hair with a razor, in an apparent attempt to disguise her appearance. At the time, Kidder claimed that her ex-husband and the CIA were following her.

For it's part, the CIA denied Kidder's claims, stating that they were too busy rounding up and deporting people who are opposed to US government policy to spend their time stalking unemployed actresses.

Today, Kidder is far more stable, thanks to a process known as "orthomolecular medicine."

"(It's) a process whereby you take the toxins out of your system and you put the nutrients in, and you try to stay away from psychiatric drugs if you can or minimize them," she explains.

Because of it's avoidance of psychiatric drugs, "orthomolecular medicine" is believed to have been developed by Dr. Tom Cruise, noted psychiatry expert and occasional actor.

Kidder attributes her newly even keeled life to Cruise's program, and isn't shy about praising him for his medical advances. "He can fly! He belongs in the sky! Here I am like a kid out of school, holding hands with a god! I'm a fool! Can he read my mind? Does he know what is is that he does to me?"

For his part, Cruise had a busy week, between planning his Arabian Knights themed wedding to Katie Holmes and denying claims that he is William Shakespeare reincarnated. Or, to be more specific, Cruise spent the week denying claims that he had made the claim that he is William Shakespeare reincarnated. Cruise also either denied that he is a reincarnated Scientology prophet, or possibly simply denied that he had claimed that he is a reincarnated Scientology prophet. It is worth noting that William Shakespeare never confirmed nor denied his status as a Scientology prophet.

Understandably, there are those who believe that this proves that Cruise IS both a reincarnated Scientology prophet AND William Shakespeare reincarnated. "If Tom Cruise really isn't a reincarnated prophet, then why is he so adamant about denying that he's a reincarnated prophet, huh? Huh??!" asked my friend Dave, noted Tom Cruise expert. "I mean, if somebody accused me of being a reincarnated Scientology prophet, I'd just laugh and be all like 'Yeah, right,' but Tom Cruise gets all huffy about it, so I'm like, hey... I think the dude really IS a reincarnated Scientology prophet, you know what I mean?"

I did not know what he meant.

Cruise's week was made all the more difficult by another noted medical expert, stunt driver and occasional actor, Dr. Scarlett Johansson. Johansson reportedly blasted Cruise for his stance on psychiatric drugs, stating that Cruise was "ignorant." Johansson continued, saying " "I think people have their own right to choose whether or not they want to stop taking a drug. I can go into a very lengthy conversation with anyone about a woman's right to choose and things like that, but I don't believe in forcing my opinion on people." Johansson is also capable of going into a lengthy conversation about human cloning, having recently stared in a very bad movie on the subject, during the production of which she memorized several technical-sounding terms.


Johansson's medical credibility became undeniable last February when she revealed to reporters that stem cell research could possibly "eliminate diseases like Alzheimer's and polio." Johansson refused to speculate, however, on the chances that stem cell research might also eliminate Cow Pox, lycanthropy, or Saturday Night Fever, stating that thus far her research has been inconclusive.

America hating, lying, fat commie bastard Michael Moore checked himself into a posh health spa this week, admitting that he is as much as 200 pounds overweight. The fat farm is just outside of Miami, Florida, and costs $3,800 a week for enrolment. That's nearly half of the money Moore spends weekly on Little Debbie products. Displaying that "Shoot for the moon" spirit that has made his hometown of Flint, Michigan so famous, Moore has told friends and relatives that he hopes to lose as much as twelve pounds. In May of 2003, Moore told Oprah Winfrey's website that Ronald Reagan was responsible for his obesity. At the time, Moore was reading a book called Fit From Within by Victoria Moran, in an attempt to lose weight. Moore did not lose weight after completing the book, and therefore he intends to produce a film about Moran's lies.

Between fighting in the Crusades and slaying dragons, British Knight Sir Ian McKellen occasionally acts in motion pictures. McKellen made headlines this month when he encouraged other knighted homosexuals to come out of the royal closet and reveal their sexuality to the world at large. "Acting, in my case is no longer about disguise," McKellen revealed. "It's about telling the truth." This news was greeted enthusiastically by fans of the Lord of the Rings movies, who were delighted to realize that McKellen really is a powerful wizard.

This week, McKellen blasted the Vatican because of the Catholic Church's stance on the blasphemous novel The Da Vinci Code. " "The idea that it shouldn't be read, which I think is the official Vatican line, is pretty pathetic." When asked how he felt about GLADD's stance that people shouldn't listen to the music of Eminem because of the rapper's anti-gay stance, McKellen responded "Be silent! And keep your forked tongue behind your teeth! I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm." He then waved his magic staff and turned those present into spiders.

Labels: Greatest Hits, Humor, True Hollywood Report